We Londoners are peculiar folk you know. We wander through life, banging our shins on coffee tables, getting our jackets caught in car doors and having grit blown into our eyes but despite all of this we manage to remain sheer Bastion’s of civility to our friends. Some could even say that we are the friendliest and most comforting people in the world (to our friends). If one of us is feeling down or sick, there is no problem that can’t be solved by getting utterly plastered and singing your way to sleep. However, if you happen to be a stranger we can transform into wary, timid and panicky creatures. Creatures that see deliberate eye contact as a telegraph for assault or raucous laughter as a warning to be on guard at all times. Yes. Us Londoners get by fairly well by determinedly keeping our eyes on our own business but there are a few things you travelling troubadours should know if you are going to be able to disguise yourself as one of us undead.

The first point is the most important. Pictures. We understand that you may have never visited this isle before and we realise that you may want a photo of it to show to the motherland as proof that you hate sunshine however you have to realise that we bloody well live here and having to dodge a gaggle of tourists who have suddenly stopped in the middle of the pavement to take a picture will not sit well with our daily routine of ignoring one another. It is quite often that we are busy or in a bad mood or just too exasperated by living in general to tolerate you carving a swathe in front of Piccadilly Circus for a photo or asking us to take the photo for you. So in short, please be aware that we can get really bored of interruptions really quickly and if you are in the middle of a crowded street perhaps not standing blindly in the middle of it moaning about everyone getting in the way of the shot would ensure that less bricks are thrown at you.

The second point is simple, don’t judge us. This is my own personal favourite as when I wander into a pub at twelve in the afternoon I prefer not to be getting a load of stern glares because I’m not trying to find a Costa instead. Face it! Were British! We as a nation practically drip feed ourselves booze and we are perfectly happy wasting an entire afternoon carousing over a beer. Just because we’re not eating with it doesn’t mean that you have the right to turn around and say that we have an unhealthy lifestyle. Because contrary to what you may believe we are quite stunningly happy with getting rat arsed in the middle of the day. Why don’t you pull up a chair and grab a drink yourself, maybe you’ll discover that you are in fact a closet alcoholic like the rest of us.

The last point you need to know about is a simple if paranoid one. Keep your wits about you. This isn’t like America where you’re lucky if you don’t get a twenty calibre shotgun shell imbedded in your brain for each mugging, no, here thieves are quite content to grab and run. The easiest way to avoid this horror is by simply paying attention to where your valuables are, not leaving them under your chair in a restaurant and not openly flaunting your billion pound cameras for me to steal.

On a final note, if you do not follow any of the above what so ever then I shall hunt you don and push scorpions up your arse…that should frighten you into obeying like good little sheep.

Will price is a student, writer, critic and snarky cynical bastard based in London. He (by which I mean me) is around the web on sites such as Weekend Notes and Gamersaurs where he is a video games journalist. He (by which I still mean me) is often as approachable as one can expect from a hate filled misanthrope, so if you wish to ask him (by which you must by now realise I definitely mean me) any questions or just settle down with him (its fucking me alright!?) for a nice chat, feel free to contact him.